My last post looked at the worst case scenario in people I likely won't fish with, identifying instances of crossing my personal boundaries - those things that I simply hold dear to my fly fishing that another chose to repetitively not honor. This doesn't make me absolutely right, it simply means that I cannot fish with, much less be around people that do as one has. This isn't about being right, it's about having as mentally healthy a fly fishing experience as we can - one that reflects the same in life.
Let's step back a minute, looking at the difference between fly fishing and other activities in life. For most who progress beyond banging out as many fish as their personal worth decrees, fly fishing is an intimate activity. It's not like doing laps of a swimming pool, miles on the road running or cycling, how much weight you can lift, or "I skied 18km or number of runs today". You can fly fish with other people, though seldom more than one or two, which immediately reflects its intimacy. Because fly fishing is a reflection and projection of our inner self into a moment on a trout water, usually in a quiet setting, it is important to determine what you consider the qualities of someone you would like to spend intimate time with. To spend the precious time we have for such intimate reflections of ourselves with someone who simply trashes or walks over our inner values is not being true to ourselves. While we might desire friendship, we have to ask ourselves if we can afford to potentially sacrifice that intimate part of ourselves. Then ask who would you want to fish with? What are your personal parameters?
Personally, I love to spend time on the water with others who can make an observation without driving it home. I can give a reply or simply leave it as an observation or statement, and feel free to make my own about something completely (ir)relevant then or later. Seldom do such people feel a need to educate me as I feel little compulsion to educate them. I might make a suggestion or two through the day but I'll never give a history lesson or try to lord anything over anyone. If I do, it's a sign to me that relationship needs communication, which is a two way street. Subtlety in a moment or two through a day to try to enhance someone else's experience is my style. I'm never on the water trying to strut or one up - the last thing I ever want to do is badly out fish anyone - I get an awkward feeling and want to help the other. I have never fished anywhere near 100% of my ability with anyone, except Amelia. I simply don't want to show anyone up, nor enter into competition. We're on the water together and the day will unfold as it is. We're not in grade school and there is no teacher - student. We're friends on the water. There doesn't have to be a spirit of "my way/opinion is right". It can simply be a day enjoying a hatch, watching a friend cast to a fish. If he catches or misses is of little consequence on the day or friendship, that moment will be the lesson unto itself for both of us as it pertains to the fishing. We might make adjustments to the style or tactic of fishing we're doing and hope for better closings.
I don't fish wish my friend Barry as much as I'd like. Time simply doesn't afford it. But when we do get on the water, he & I do the exact same thing "no, you go ahead". You see, we both know that fish will be caught. We both know that we'll each get a neat experience that day, be it a fish in a neat location or just a chance to watch the other fish. If he gets a 2 foot brown - brilliant! If I get a 5 pound rainbow - great. If we each catch 5" cutts, even better. It doesn't matter. There's no imposing that a fly pattern, tippet size, or brand name is the right answer. We know that the fish will take care of themselves - we'll get a few. What we do is honor each other without compulsion to step ahead of the other.
I haven't fished with my friend Jim in a couple of seasons, but fishing with him was a great example of people of similar skill and perspective. Simply rotating fish and having fun in discussion without posture. There's no feeling amongst either that the other is something greater, thus removing the one who perceives himself the lesser angler from trying to educate or posture.
I have another friend whom I've only fished with a few times. Granted I've fished a little more, but he loves to sight fish. I was able to spend time with him a couple of weeks back. Am I a better fisher? Meh, I don't know, who cares? We both enjoy sighting and we have been able to enjoy time together on a few waters both here and New Zealand. We try our best to be each other's eyes and we each love to see the fish and study the angles and actions of fish. In my case, I honestly am getting to the point that I love the video taping of fish more than catching them myself, and am torn when it gets to be my turn to fish. But the point is that he pipes up to remind me that it is, indeed, my turn. If I then choose to give way, it's my choice and it happens when I happily do so based on what I feel for myself.
Contrast that to my friend I wrote about in the previous blog post. When we fished on our distant holiday I gave way every day, literally putting my rod away or simply blind fishing the water every once in a while between sighted fish, just so he could have the experience of sight fishing success at some point. At the end of the day it was about his failures or how close he came. Missing was the - "hey, wait a second, Dave just gave way for 6 or the 7 hours we fished, maybe tomorrow I'll honor him". Every day it went the same. And by the end of our time enduring his "me, me, me", I'd had enough. The honor between friends was missing. And when honor between friends is missing, it's tough to come back. The last thing you want to do with someone like this is try to communicate what you see happening because if they don't see it themselves, it'll be received not in the "hey, let's try to communicate and build our relationship", rather, it'll be received as an attack and beget an attack right back. Another friend of mine always joked that this fellow taught me everything I know about fly fishing for how he tries to lord over me just how much he knows. It got painful to watch.
I can't comment too much on my fishing with Amelia publicly. I will say that we see every facet of our relationship while on the water. I don't know any couple that spends as much time together as we do, and less so in how we go about life and the close quarters we spend time together. 3 months in New Zealand in a 4x4 van and 5 months a year pulling 14 to 20 hours a day working together at our lodge. I've seen a few other couples ready to kill each other after a few weeks of having to experience the full front of their spouse's personality. For us, the bottom line with that is honoring each other and communicating well, and seeing the bigger picture in every moment that this is our life together. We talk about our honest feelings openly and pull the tough stuff out in order that we are both completely honest. Niether of us would have any other relationship.
Ultimately, as I mentioned before, this comes down to a good sense of self, a good sense of what values you have for your time, and how strongly you hold on to those values in intimate settings. Fly fishing is intimate, and not everyone can share those times with you. We're not called to share our intimate side with everyone, and it's up to us individually to determine at what point we only let certain people share in those moments.
No comments:
Post a Comment